To trust enough to rest

This is the fifth time I've tried to write this. Right now my house is a mess of cardboard boxes, baby toys and laundry that's been sitting on the dresser for three days.

I kept waiting for a time where everything would be at peace, the sun would be glistening through my perfectly polished windows, a cup of steaming joe in my hands... What more a restful place to be for me to put together my thoughts on Rest! 

Split in Two

In regards to resting, I've always felt split in two. A part of me loves productivity. I like the rush that comes from accomplishing things, setting my mind to something and doing it. I stay up late baking bread,  I scrub out old air conditioners with toothbrushes and attempt 1940's hairstyles. Some might say I'm ambitious. In the oh so true words of my mother-in-law, " You don't know how to slow down, do ya?" She is right.

The other gal loves to sit outside. She finds in nature, life, and in the sounds and smells and stillness of it she rejoices. You'll discover her soul finds it's rest at the base of an old tree- feet bare and buried in the green grass, where the sun touches her toes and the tip of her nose. She loves rest. 

Naturally these two have always been at odds and usually my more determinate self wins any battles that arise. I can rest later I'll say. I just have to get these things done first.

The problem with this sort of logic and bargaining is that later never comes. One to-do list leads to another, one activity to the next and soon what began as a commitment to keeping an orderly home becomes a preoccupation, an incessant one. It's like a drug to me. Each accomplishment brings me a high but soon leaves me depressed and tired. With every done "to-do," comes with it a realization that something else needs to be done...and on and on...

But what other solution do I have? If I don't do it, it won't ever get done.

Like a Bird

The Lord's commitment to rest and his subsequent commands to it are sobering. 

"Remember the Sabbath day and keep it Holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work... For in the six days the Lord made heaven and earth, the sea and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and made it Holy." 
Exodus 20:8-11

I am so guilty reading all other nine commandments and taking them quite seriously. Do not steal, do not murder, do not lie, do not commit adultery and on and on but I have always glossed over "Remember the Sabbath day..." I think in my heart, "Yes, I really need to do this more, I'm not so great at it I need to get better at this..."

But the truth is my lack of rest is reflective of a deeper more insidious heart issue. My lack of rest says much about how I view God and how I view myself.

When I say things like, If I don't do this, it won't ever get done. When I feverishly run from one task to the next. When I wear myself down to the point of having hardly anything left. I am saying something. 

 I am saying that I am placing the weight of everything on me.
 I am saying that I am my only hope. 
 I am saying, I don't trust God.

When I was praying over this idea of resting and trust the Lord placed the image in my head of a wounded bird resting in the two large, strong hands of it's caretaker. It is small and is completely vulnerable. Perhaps it should fly away, better safe then sorry... but instead it rests because it knows it is need and because it trusts that the one who holds it will take care of it.

This is how it is with the Lord. To rest is to admit our need and to admit how capable the Lord alone is to fulfill our needs. To recognize that He is good(Psalm 137:1) and that He is able( Ephesians 3:20) and that all the things that we feel need to get done, God is the one who gives us the strength, the wisdom and ability to do so. What will get done today is what He willed to get done. What doesn't, wasn't apart of His plan for us.

To Rest, is to Trust.

"The Lord spoke to Moses on Mount Sinai, Saying, “Speak to the people of Israel and say to them, when you come into the Land that I give you, the Land shall keep a Sabbath to the Lord. For six years you shall sow your field, and for six years you shall prune your vineyard and gather is fruits, but in the seventh year there shall be a sabbath to the Lord, You shall not sow your field or prune your vineyard. You shall not reap what grows of itself in your harvest or gather the grapes of your undressed vine. It shall be a year of Solemn Rest for the Land."

Leviticus 25:1-5

I'm not going to lie. When I read this section of scripture I had a bit of a panic attack. I thought, a whole year of not harvesting!? A whole year to simply watch your fields succumb to disorder and for your crops, the fruit of all your labor, decay?

The Lord takes rest seriously. 

This is an excerpt from commentary on Leviticus 25 by Matthew Henry:

"...God would hereby show them(the Israelites) that he was their landlord...that they were not proprietors, but dependents on their Lord. "

Rest, reminds us to whom our possessions belong; to whom we belong.

To rest means to take our hands off the steering wheel. To look at the dirty dishes in our sinks, the unfolded laundry sprinkled throughout our homes and say, "Lord, all of this is yours and I know that you will grant me the strength to accomplish what you desire for me to accomplish this day. I submit to your will because you are good in all you do and your way is perfect( Psalm 18:30)."

I can trust that all that I have and all that I am is the Lords because He purchased me on the cross(1 Corinthians 16:20). He took all the accomplishments that I am very proud of calls them for what they are dirty rags (Isaiah 64:6); He exchanged for them a life washed white and truly perfect in Christ. He loves me and finds favor in me not because of the things I do but because I am covered with the blood of a completely righteous Savior and that righteousness is now mine in Him( Corinthians 5:21.)

So today I'll take a step back from the to do list. I'll purposefully lay down my trusty pad of paper and pen and despite all logic and reason, sit down, amongst the cries of a fussy baby and surrounded by blinking toys, I'll take a deep breath. I'll still my heart and I'll settle down into the hands of my Savior. There is no safer, there is no better, there is no more a restful place to be.

Why I will never be great

I'm going to be honest. I want to be great.

I do.

From the moment I entered into this world I wanted to be known, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to be special. 

If you ever have the immeasurable honor of getting to sit through one of the Porrata family home video, masterpiece theatre/fireplace stage-tacular events you would see me jumping in front of whomever was taking center stage at the time. I've even pushed my munchkin sized brothers out of the way with such veracity that they've catapulted into the sofas or onto the floor. Sorry guys!

I have been ambitious and a dreamer and always in avid pursuit of something and something more. There is both a plus side and a negative side to this. The plus being that I graduated Highschool at sixteen, trained and ran a half-marathon on my own( with a generous helping of the Lord's strength,) and raised $20,000+ in donor support doing full-time ministry( also without the Lord I could have done none of that.) The negative side being, it's a struggle to be satisfied.

As a child I had dreams of accomplishing all and everything I set my mind to, loving the rush of starting something new, I still do and the thrill of crossing the finishing line. But I often became disillusioned when that "something more," whatever it was that I was excited about at the time, left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. I remember one day sitting in the car talking to my mother after a day-long grocery shopping expedition. With great passion I began to explain how I just felt like I was meant for "something more," that maybe if I was on the mission field I would be there- wherever there was, I couldn't have told you but it wasn't where I was. 

My mom sweetly looked over to me and deliberately poured a nice bucket of water of wisdom on me."Nichole," she said, " You need to learn to find joy in the routine, you need to learn to find joy in the mundane because 99% of life is made of the stuff. If you don't, you will never be satisfied." 

You know those times when you're really excited about something and then someone comes by, douses you with a shot of ice cold truth and exposes your heart in the worst and best way? And you hate them for it but then you're thankful, because in the end they're right? Yup. That's what happened. 

I knew my mama was right. My heart was far from rooted( Isaiah 61:3;) It was tossed about by every whim and dream and possibility( Ephesians 4:14.)  This preoccupation with "something more," was taking me away from the somethings here. 

Apparently, this lesson is a life-long one.

This afternoon at work, Father M came into the conference room with his arms full of letters and catalogs. He has said in jest that It is his favorite part of the day, going through the mail. I'm sure there is a bit of truth in that. I managed to get a hold of a Lifeway Women's catalog. I was mostly drawn to it because it had really pretty pictures of flowers. Yup, way to go Lifeway Communications Department, you got me.

 I flipped through it and saw numerous advertisements for women's conferences, pictures of women with titles under their names like " Director of Women's Ministry Communication and Collaborative Exploration," and I had no idea what any of that meant but I was excited to see so many women doing what they loved, or at least I hoped they were doing what they loved. I wanted that. I wanted to be on those pages. I wanted to be like these women. 

 I wanted to be known, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to be special. 

I opened a word document on my computer and titled it Dreams and Desires and started writing down all these aspirations. My ambitious and independent go-getter side of me began to get amped up and I couldn't wait to share my new life goals with my husband. 

The time arrived later that evening when the baby was down and we were doing dishes. I showed Papa Bear the catalog and explained about how I wanted to be on those pages, I wanted to be leading worship at a women's conference, how I wanted to make a difference. He looked at me and said, " That's great!" " I believe in you more than anyone I know, you can do amazing and great things but... do you want you to be known or do you want Jesus to be known?" I initially was confused and as we began to discuss it more I became more agitated and upset. Why couldn't he be happy for me and why did he need to be such a wet blanket? 

He walked out and left me for a minute. I felt the spirit pressing in on my heart. 

"He's right," the spirit whispered, " It shouldn't matter where you are or who sees you, Jesus is what matters."

Do you ever feel like you're never going to receive what you long for because you want it too bad? I felt like I was having a moment right there in the kitchen where I needed to relinquish what I was holding onto so tightly but I was afraid that by letting it go I would never have it again. I knew the idea was just an idea but maybe It was the closest I would ever be and I was fighting for it... 

In the end though, fighting the spirit is never worth it. He wins or makes my life miserable until he does...

I opened up the word and went to Matthew 18.

"At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2 He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I felt such a pit in my stomach. 

" Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven... Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven..."

A child.

But Lord, a child is small and dependent on others and doesn't even really know how to control their appendages. A child? 

"This is why I'll never be great. I don't like to be dependent on others. I'm the oldest. I take care of people Lord. I make things happen. I'm a go- getter. I'm ambitious and I have drive and I'm going to do great things for you..."

"I don't let people see that I'm weak. I don't invite people into my suffering. I don't allow others to minister to me..." 

I will never be great. Nichole will never be great.

 I needed my mom to cover me in wisdom 15 years ago in a mini-van and point me to truth.  I needed my husband to expose my desires for celebrity and fame. I needed the women who ministered to me when I was lost and depressed at 25. Because really, I am a child. I'm small and dependent on others and I don't really know how to control my appendages either.

Humbling myself to the point of being a child is simply admitting to who is looking back at me in the mirror.

I cannot be great as I am. I cannot be great in any other position than in complete dependence, in complete surrender, in complete need. Because that's who I am:

A child.

If I am known it is because He has known me in the inmost parts. Psalm 139:13

If I am noticed it is because those who look to Him are Radiant. Psalm 34:5

If I am special it is because He has called me His. Exodus 6:7

There is nothing in me that can cause me to be great in the way that makes a difference for the kingdom of God. If I don't humble myself, I cannot allow myself to be carried in the arms in my father- lifted up and great not because I'm great, but because I am sitting in his arms and I'm not just A child. I'm HIS child. He has adopted me and covered me and has given me life in him for eternity as an inheritance( Romans 8:15). In Him I have everything I will ever need and that's what makes me great, because I'm His. 

Mommy

An excerpt from my journal dated December 2014. 

Mommy.

A title I have, for as long as I can remember, desired.

She came after fourteen hours of hard labor- tears, bartering, cries of anguish and banished doubts but in the end- triumph. I praised the Lord for her as they lifted her into her papa's arms and waited anxiously as her body was carried around the blue curtain that separated me from the surgical procedure that left me cut open; our eyes met and it was a moment really like no other. A surge of something so powerful that it rendered my heart full to bursting.

Dorothy Jean was perfect and perfectly mine.

It has been five weeks, three days and 18 minutes since Dorothy, aka Dottie, was welcomed into her papa's and I's lives and from the moment she was brought into this world, she has been wrecking me, in even the best ways. Really, if I were to look back, I would say that the wrecking truly began the moment her dad and I knew she existed. It felt so weighty then- we were going to be parents and it WAS weighty and the whole nine months leading up to her birthday were nothing short of a crash course in the sinful nature of our hearts. Enter Dottie- Enter Fear. Fear of not being good enough parents, not being able to provide for her, losing her, losing each other, etc...etc...etc.... But now, now that she is resting in my arms and I feel the rising and falling of her chest on my own, the fear is so much more visceral, so much more real; it grips me daily and unforgivingly.

I know that I said that Dorothy Jean was perfect and perfectly mine, and how I act and the thoughts the rush through my mind every day confirm that I believe that: I rush to her bassinet whenever the slightest sound is made to make sure she is breathing. I feel guilt- the kind of guilt that sits deep in my gut like an anchor- any time, she's not in my arms, and I find myself incessantly looking over at her swing or her activity mat, to make sure she still knows I'm there..."I'm just folding some laundry!" I tell her. " I'm sorry, but I promised to make this dish for the party tonight! It will just be a second."

I am explaining myself to a newborn- justifying myself to a baby who cannot comprehend what I'm saying. Because I fear. I fear in a way that shakes me...and in a way that has brought me to my knees.

The truth is, she is not perfect nor is she perfectly mine.

When I was twelve weeks pregnant with Dorothy, we had a scare. A scare that could have meant losing her. I remember laying in bed, knees propped up to discourage the bleeding, weeping and interceding for my daughters life. As I lay there, the weight and knowledge of my fragility and the fragility of our baby bearing down on my mind like a roaring train, the Lord gave me a picture.

I saw a pair of hands- weathered but strong, and in those hands, lay our baby.

The peace that fell upon me sank me into a still place- a place where I was reminded of the Lord's deep devotion and love for the little one growing inside of me. No matter what occurred, that baby was His and He held her in his hands.

:: For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.::

  Psalm 139:13

Dorothy has always belonged to the Lord.

I'm writing this because minuets ago I was again gripped with fear. I had just lain Dorothy down in her bassinet and closed the door- she had been fighting her nap all day and had finally given in but as I closed the door to the bedroom I felt compelled to go back in and check on her one more time. I resisted the temptation and attempted to clean up the kitchen, tidy up the living room, fold some diapers- all the while being weighed down with the fear that is so common to me now-irrational and insistent- that something would happen to her and I wouldn't be there...

I needed the Lord.

I sat down and prayed. I got on my knees and confessed and cried and communed with God. I asked Him for help, I told him how I have never felt this way before- like someone had just entrusted me with the most precious gift in the world and if I wasn't careful I would destroy it- that I couldn't do it without Him and I repented. My love for her was tainted with sin- a love that would have me believe that she was mine, all mine... it would promise me joy but would leave me tortured and full of fear. 

She was His and always will be. I had to give her back to the Lord, release her from my fumbling and shaking hands; there is no safer place than in the arms of our Savior.

The peace was immediate but the fear crept back into my heart so quickly, even now I feel it returning.

I take a deep breath and whisper...

There is no safer place than in the arms of my Savior.

Letter to our Family & Friends in Preparation for Baby Peringer

September, 2014

To our Nearest and Dearest-

The time for our little Sweet Pea’s arrival is quickly approaching. We have prayed/slept/not slept/cried/shopped/painted/built and celebrated much in anticipation of this day. We are excited to not only welcome in a new part of the Peringer family but also welcome a new member into our community here on our street. 

With that being said, Patrick and I must reiterate how incredibly blessed and cared for we have felt as we prepare for our little one. You all have truly acted as the hands and feet of Christ. thank you. 

A number of you have asked how to best serve us in the following weeks and I have some ideas. of course, because Patrick and I are new at this, there are some things that we are unsure of, so I want to iterate our commitment to be in communication with you all. If we had originally mentioned that xyz was just fine with us but now is not fitting into how we are doing life with baby, then our commitment is to let you know and not let things fester and brew to bitterness. its just unnecessary and no fun. we know y’all love us and you know we love you.

Nichole and Patrick

FOOD

Pragmatically, I’d say our biggest need, even right now, lies in the dinner department. this third trimester has been fraught with non-stop sinus infections/allergies and pregnancy exhaustion and it has left me sadly inept at many wifely duties. Patrick has been super gracious and patient despite, but i know how hard he works and i know that Ramen with an egg in it, is not the best substitute for a well balanced meal. 

A meal-train/ a sign up sheet for people to commit to bringing a meal for us for the first couple months would be incredible( A BIG THANK YOU to one of our Homegroup ladies for organizing this for us!) but I admit I could also use some help now. A sweet friend made a great recommendation on my Facebook wall the other day. While she was still pregnant, a few girlfriends and her got together and went grocery shopping. Tricia provided the recipes and the funds and the girls essentially made 10 freezer meals for her while she sat down and enjoyed their company-they prepped/chopped and packaged everything so that her freezer was already stocked even before the baby came. This would be a DREAM if we could make this happen. 

Here are some guidelines for the Meal Train list.

Dietary Concerns/Guidelines:

• Please package all meals in disposable trays for easy clean-up. 

• Please Non-Dairy, we both are allergic/intolerant. So sad about this. CHEESE/ICE CREAM ARE SO GOOD... :(

• Please no Barbecue sandwich type dishes- Sloppy Joes/pulled pork/ Manwich/ etc...  we enjoy Barbecue chicken/ribs but nothing of the shredded and put on a bun variety. 
• Please nothing too spicy, although mama loves it, papa sure doesn't and who knows what baby will feel like after I’ve had a few of my favorite jalapeños in my system. 

• Please no spaghetti. Enjoy any other type of pasta however.  

• YES Please to ethnic dishes.

• YES Please to breakfast for dinner- breakfast casseroles/french toast/mini quiches/ etc...

* YES Please to Gluten-Free/Sugar- Free/ etc...  Not a requirement however. 

Some of Nichole’s Favorites:

Butter Chicken & Naan- Anything Indian.

Hamburgers/Potato Salad(not sweet)/ Baked Beans

Rice and Beans

Chicken Pot Pie

Veggie Pizza w/out cheese.

Veggie Lasagna w/out cheese.

Chili- Meat or Veggie & Cornbread 

Anything with Sweet Potatoes. 

Any kind of comfort food.

Mr. Chopsticks/Cracker Barrel/Five Guys/ Taco Cabana/ Fuzzy’s Tacos/ VietBites

Some of Patrick’s Favorites: 

Shepherds Pie

Beef Stroganoff- No way around this but to make it with dairy. We will eat it anyway though. 

  Hard Shell Tacos

Salads. Salads. Salads.

Hungry Man- Fried Chicken TV Dinner... 

Oreos

Pepsi

Mr Chopsticks/Weinbergers/Arby’s/Taco Bell

CHORES + GUIDELINES 

Another question that some of y’all have asked is when to come over/how to interact with us. 

I will tell you that Patrick and I will have the first week covered- My mama will be in town after the baby is born. So for the first week do not worry about feeling the need to come over and do anything but say hello and love on baby Peringer.

For those of you who we normally welcome into our home to do laundry, if you could give us the first two weeks to adjust and free up the washer and dryer for my mama and papa, that would be amazing. 

As far as after that, here are some Please Do’s and Please Don’ts:

• Yes, please come over! I know myself and prolonged alone time is not good for me. It helps me be a better human being and doubtless will help me be a better mama to have people over to interact with.

• Please check in with me (nichole) or Patrick, via text, before coming over. More likely than not I will swing open the door wide in your welcome but there is just no way of knowing in the beginning how things are going to go. I make a promise to keep my phone close/on/nearby me at all times. :p

      * Yes, please wash your hands before holding baby.

• Yes, please bring us a meal AND check to see if we would be available to eat with y’all! I would love to not have all of our friends feel like they have to drop off something and run. Ask to spend time with us.

• Yes, please come over- to do the dishes/laundry/vacuum (if the baby is awake)/clean the bathroom/Tidy up/ run errands/ etc...

• Some important information about chores:
• The water is ridiculously hot, be careful not to scold yourself.
• Please dry whatever is washed and please put away. If you don’t know where something goes, you can place it on the kitchen table and we will get to it later.
• The Dish Strainer is under the sink.We normally just place the dishes on a clean towel.
• Clean Towels are in the dish cabinet- first drawer on the right. 
• We vacuum instead of sweep- we do not own a dust pan.
• I will put a note on the washer and dryer with instructions about washing our clothes/diapers. 
• All cleaning supplies are under kitchen sink.

• Yes, please come over for an hour or so while baby is sleeping in the evening so mama and papa can go out for a walk/get a soda/ feel human again.

• Yes, please write us notes of encouragement/bring us flowers/ or Oreos/pray for us when you see us. I’m sure we’re going to feel at times out of our minds. 

• Please do not avoid us because you think we ‘need space!’ We don’t have the plague, we have a baby. The only thing you might catch from coming over is baby fever, because our bebe is going to be ridiculously cute. ;)

• Please understand that when we seem inflexible to change times for an activity, it’s not because we are sticks in the mud but because we’re trying to place little, baby Peringer on a schedule. 

We love y’all so much. 

i do see Him

:: For in subjecting all things to Him, He left nothing that is not subject to Him. But now we do not yet see all the things subjected to Him but we do see Him...:: Hebrews 2:8b-9a

we do see Him...so much of this sentiment encapsulates the position of my heart right now.
So much of what's ahead is unknown. There are plenty of possibilities that go on living in my head but I have been made deeply aware to the vast unknowed-ness of the future.

possibilities are not truth...Fantasies, dreams and hopes, not a reality. All I know, is that God has the stunning ability to work sorrow and suffering and the dirty garments of this world into something miraculous and amazing. I always end up coming out of these times, Hinds Feet on High Places. My heart sprung open, colors and hymns and songs of praise spilling out to the Lord who has captured my gaze. My lover, my loving Shepherd.

i know not what is ahead, but I see Him.

i see Him. I see how He has deftly, as only God can, orchestrated my life. How many fingerprints, indentions made for remembrance are those scattered about the story of my life.

i know not what's ahead, but I do see Him. He is here, amongst the downy covers of my patio hide-a-way, in the sky to which I glance to so often now. The hazy blue a reminder that life is so much bigger than my current preoccupations and He is here, in me.

the warmth of His nearness, His nowness brings pain-filled tears to my eyes. The romancer lives and dwells within me.

i know not what is ahead but I do See Him. He has been all over this season since the very beginning...back in May when depression assailed me and my season of helplessness began....

trust. trust.trust. trust

trust me nichole, when you have no where to live, trust me when you have no source of income. Trust me when a man is brought into your life and when he is taken away. Trust me that your pain will soon give way to peace, strength, endurance and wisdom.

trust.

i have been granted a gift. My own eyes opened to my true state: A helpless, wretched babe, deeply, greatly in need of a Savior. A fearful seedling, not an oak as I so often have seen myself to be. I am weak. I have always been this way.

Now, as broken and raw and taken to the end of me, I realize this: I can do nothing apart from Christ. I have nothing apart from Christ. This is life, truly as it is: utter dependence on God.

more than simply knowing that... I am living it. I am experiencing it.

Perspective

Perspective.

So much depends on it.

I am quick to point out the absurdity of an elephant's fear of a mouse, less speedy to recognize the same lack of rational in myself.

I am quick to name my trials as such, to claim them as problematic, as tests. Rarer, to call them gifts, though gifts they are entirely.

A prayer of mine recently: "Though being made like you, Jesus, pains me, stay not your hand, stay not your hand."

The thought that the Lord would remove his refiners fire from my life, leaving me to my own depravity is terrifying. As acute as it is to be faced with the mirror image of my sin each day, much more profound is seeing Christ's face staring back at me.

.::...and we all with unveiled faces, beholding the glory of the Lord are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord the Spirit.::.

I am being made like Him.

Offering Up Your Isaac

Friends,

I come to you honestly; bearing my heart. This current season of my life has been one where the Lord has taken me to the very end of myself. It has been a season where He has proven Himself to be all I will ever need and shown me how I will never stop needing Him. I am being called to share what the Lord has been teaching me because I know I am not alone in this and I know the breath of life that is poured out when we bear one another's burdens.

As some of you know, since last April I had been struggling with depression. It has been the best thing that has ever happened to me and has served as a catalyst for growth and depth in the Lord. Since November, I have been walking victorious out of that miry pit but since being delivered I have been asked this question on a second my second basis: How much do you love me? Through unemployment, house-less-ness( I have been staying with dear friends till I find a place), and some other deep trials, He is testing and trying my heart. I pray He never stops. I am utterly broken and utterly joyful. He has taught me the joy found in suffering and it is this that I desire to share with you. I pray you hear my heart but more importantly, I pray you hear the Lord's.

To suffer.

This practice does not come easy to me. I am, at my core, a rebellious child flailing against the arms of my Father. Wanting my way, claiming my own knowledge as best and my desires as satisying. I believe I know better than God on a regular basis.

::Therefore, since Christ has suffered in the flesh, arm yourselves with the same purpose, because He who has suffered in the flesh has ceased from sin. So as to live the rest of time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God...:: 1 Peter 4:1-2

What was Jesus' suffering? I had often heard that we were to partake in the suffering of the Lord. I had not quite understood that in it's entirety and to be sure, there is so much more weight to that then I can comprehend now, but for this moment in my life, where the tinge of suffering is near, I realize that Christ's suffering was more than the physical torture of crucifixion. The depth of His suffering was revealed there in the Garden, where He bowed his head and prayed " My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will." Matt 26: 39. His suffering was submission to the will of God despite his own desires.

This has been my current portion: to submit to the will of God despite my cries that this cup be passed from me.

He has left me waiting for a job, waiting for a relationship, waiting for a house...waiting. This is has been my cup of suffering.

How much do you love me? He asks. Nichole, do you love like me? Laying down your life for others? Are you willing to walk in submission because of the JOY that is set before you? Is your first thought, " Father, let your will be done?"

Yes, Lord. I want you.

More and more the Lord is revealing to me that He is not about making things easy . He is about His power, His might, His weight being proclaimed through making a rebellious sinner like myself like Him: humble, submitted, believing, patient, willing. I think of Nehemiah's prayer in the face of a huge, approaching army. He prayed not that the struggle be taken away, not that the army would evaporate "But now, oh God, strengthen my hands."( Neh 6:9b) Is that my rection to trial and tribulation? Do I not rail against it more often than not, lamenting my condition and pleading that the Lord remove the hardship?

In truth, many of us, like myself until recently, know not the joy of surrender.

Many of us have never allowed ourselves to relinquish what God truly requires: our best.

How long I have operated under the lie that sacrifice means giving that which is bad for me. That surrender looks like giving up my desires for sugar, my addiction to facebook, my vanity...no. I have skimmed the surface of surrender. I have settled for superficial faith and shallow ground. No. Surrender is giving up Isaac. It is living with open hands. It looks like tears, and anguish and sorrow but it's aroma is that of joy and peace, perseverance and character.

::The fair petals must fall, and for no visible reason. No one seems enriched by the stripping. And the first step into the realm of giving is like surrender- not manward but Godward: an utter yielding of our best. So long as our idea of surrender is limited to the renouncing of unlawful things, we have never grasped its true meaning:that is not worthy of it's name for "no poluted thing can be offered.":: Lillias Trotter

I mourn for the fact that so many brothers and sisters do not smell of death( 2nd Cor 2:17-18) but of tight-fisted fear.

::For all things are for your sakes, that the grace which is spreading to more and more people may cause the giving of thanks to abound to the Glory of God. Therefore, we do not lose heart but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being revealed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of Glory far beyond comparison.":: 2nd Cor 4:15-17

Yet we contend with our flesh. Pursuing the will of God is no easy thing. It looks not like blithe delight but of brokenness. it smells of death. The fact is my flesh is not soft and malleable but icy, stiff and hard as rock. It responds only to fire and crushing. This is that state of my soul and so He breaks it and takes it through fire.

:: The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and a contrite heart O God, thou wilt not despise.:: Psalm 51:7

:: Blessed are the poor in spirit for theirs the kingdom of God:: Matt 5:3

What are you pursuing? Might I be honest? Might I be impassioned for one moment friends and say that I am burdened with how few men and women I see suffering for the will of the Lord? Who are we pursuing yet weary?( Judges 8:4) I see far more people with closed fists rather than open hands; whose first reaction is not to submit their first loves to the fire but to wrap them in blankets and hold them close to their hearts. I know, I was one of them. No. Sisters, Brothers. You are acting in fear. You are believing the lie that the Lord will give you a stone when you ask for bread. He is in love with you. If you being parents know how to give good things for your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give you?( Matt 7) Please, be quick to surrender. I say this not because of some legalistic desire to self-torture myself but because of my longing for others to know how much one receives when things are relinquished. I mourn that others will never know the all sufficiency found in Jesus, of the joy we find when we climb that mountain and offer up our Isaac.

I am walking through a valley of suffering, surrender, relinquishment and I have never felt more joy, satisfaction and peace in my life.

:: I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.:: e.elliot