Why I will never be great

I'm going to be honest. I want to be great.

I do.

From the moment I entered into this world I wanted to be known, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to be special. 

If you ever have the immeasurable honor of getting to sit through one of the Porrata family home video, masterpiece theatre/fireplace stage-tacular events you would see me jumping in front of whomever was taking center stage at the time. I've even pushed my munchkin sized brothers out of the way with such veracity that they've catapulted into the sofas or onto the floor. Sorry guys!

I have been ambitious and a dreamer and always in avid pursuit of something and something more. There is both a plus side and a negative side to this. The plus being that I graduated Highschool at sixteen, trained and ran a half-marathon on my own( with a generous helping of the Lord's strength,) and raised $20,000+ in donor support doing full-time ministry( also without the Lord I could have done none of that.) The negative side being, it's a struggle to be satisfied.

As a child I had dreams of accomplishing all and everything I set my mind to, loving the rush of starting something new, I still do and the thrill of crossing the finishing line. But I often became disillusioned when that "something more," whatever it was that I was excited about at the time, left me feeling empty and unsatisfied. I remember one day sitting in the car talking to my mother after a day-long grocery shopping expedition. With great passion I began to explain how I just felt like I was meant for "something more," that maybe if I was on the mission field I would be there- wherever there was, I couldn't have told you but it wasn't where I was. 

My mom sweetly looked over to me and deliberately poured a nice bucket of water of wisdom on me."Nichole," she said, " You need to learn to find joy in the routine, you need to learn to find joy in the mundane because 99% of life is made of the stuff. If you don't, you will never be satisfied." 

You know those times when you're really excited about something and then someone comes by, douses you with a shot of ice cold truth and exposes your heart in the worst and best way? And you hate them for it but then you're thankful, because in the end they're right? Yup. That's what happened. 

I knew my mama was right. My heart was far from rooted( Isaiah 61:3;) It was tossed about by every whim and dream and possibility( Ephesians 4:14.)  This preoccupation with "something more," was taking me away from the somethings here. 

Apparently, this lesson is a life-long one.

This afternoon at work, Father M came into the conference room with his arms full of letters and catalogs. He has said in jest that It is his favorite part of the day, going through the mail. I'm sure there is a bit of truth in that. I managed to get a hold of a Lifeway Women's catalog. I was mostly drawn to it because it had really pretty pictures of flowers. Yup, way to go Lifeway Communications Department, you got me.

 I flipped through it and saw numerous advertisements for women's conferences, pictures of women with titles under their names like " Director of Women's Ministry Communication and Collaborative Exploration," and I had no idea what any of that meant but I was excited to see so many women doing what they loved, or at least I hoped they were doing what they loved. I wanted that. I wanted to be on those pages. I wanted to be like these women. 

 I wanted to be known, I wanted to be noticed, I wanted to be special. 

I opened a word document on my computer and titled it Dreams and Desires and started writing down all these aspirations. My ambitious and independent go-getter side of me began to get amped up and I couldn't wait to share my new life goals with my husband. 

The time arrived later that evening when the baby was down and we were doing dishes. I showed Papa Bear the catalog and explained about how I wanted to be on those pages, I wanted to be leading worship at a women's conference, how I wanted to make a difference. He looked at me and said, " That's great!" " I believe in you more than anyone I know, you can do amazing and great things but... do you want you to be known or do you want Jesus to be known?" I initially was confused and as we began to discuss it more I became more agitated and upset. Why couldn't he be happy for me and why did he need to be such a wet blanket? 

He walked out and left me for a minute. I felt the spirit pressing in on my heart. 

"He's right," the spirit whispered, " It shouldn't matter where you are or who sees you, Jesus is what matters."

Do you ever feel like you're never going to receive what you long for because you want it too bad? I felt like I was having a moment right there in the kitchen where I needed to relinquish what I was holding onto so tightly but I was afraid that by letting it go I would never have it again. I knew the idea was just an idea but maybe It was the closest I would ever be and I was fighting for it... 

In the end though, fighting the spirit is never worth it. He wins or makes my life miserable until he does...

I opened up the word and went to Matthew 18.

"At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” 2 He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. 3 And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4 Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. 5 And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I felt such a pit in my stomach. 

" Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven... Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven..."

A child.

But Lord, a child is small and dependent on others and doesn't even really know how to control their appendages. A child? 

"This is why I'll never be great. I don't like to be dependent on others. I'm the oldest. I take care of people Lord. I make things happen. I'm a go- getter. I'm ambitious and I have drive and I'm going to do great things for you..."

"I don't let people see that I'm weak. I don't invite people into my suffering. I don't allow others to minister to me..." 

I will never be great. Nichole will never be great.

 I needed my mom to cover me in wisdom 15 years ago in a mini-van and point me to truth.  I needed my husband to expose my desires for celebrity and fame. I needed the women who ministered to me when I was lost and depressed at 25. Because really, I am a child. I'm small and dependent on others and I don't really know how to control my appendages either.

Humbling myself to the point of being a child is simply admitting to who is looking back at me in the mirror.

I cannot be great as I am. I cannot be great in any other position than in complete dependence, in complete surrender, in complete need. Because that's who I am:

A child.

If I am known it is because He has known me in the inmost parts. Psalm 139:13

If I am noticed it is because those who look to Him are Radiant. Psalm 34:5

If I am special it is because He has called me His. Exodus 6:7

There is nothing in me that can cause me to be great in the way that makes a difference for the kingdom of God. If I don't humble myself, I cannot allow myself to be carried in the arms in my father- lifted up and great not because I'm great, but because I am sitting in his arms and I'm not just A child. I'm HIS child. He has adopted me and covered me and has given me life in him for eternity as an inheritance( Romans 8:15). In Him I have everything I will ever need and that's what makes me great, because I'm His.